FIRST DRAFT: Sep 05, AU Edition

MATT HAYDEN
The latest in lifestyle programming – coming soon to Channel 873!
Ciao Channel!
For vivacious viewers who want to do lunch and learn how it was made!
TV GUIDE 10 September 2005
2:30 pm i The Grate Escape
Celebrity chef Gordon Casein travels the globe in search of the world’s most ornate cheese-shredding implements.
3:30 pm I The Golden Years of Infotainment
Red Eye Spruiking Stars of the Nineties — Where Are They Now?
The creepy hypnotist; the mad, manic chef with the mid-Atlantic accent; that dorky fat guy with the amazing memory … Anyone who ever had insomnia in the nineties remembers them well.
4:30 pm I I am Spam
Celebrity net geek Horatio L Parthenogenesis reads out 300 of the week’s most amusing “make money at home” ads from his email inbox.
5:30 pm I Mess Busters!
Newlyweds Wayne and Genevieve throw their first dinner party. But nervous Genevieve undercooks the chicken. Stricken with gastroenteritis the guests writhe across the dining room floor vomiting uncontrollably. After the ambulance leaves the distraught young couple survey the devastation. Their once clean and cosy Surry Hills terrace is now a house of horrors.
Who they gonna call? Mess Busters!

6:30 pm I In the Dog House
Celebrity dog breeder Jamie “Jack” Russell and his wacky sidekicks complete another miraculous kennel makeover.
7:30 pm I Stop, I’m in Stitches! (Series Premiere)
Celebrity embroiderer and comedienne Sal “Sassy” Singer takes us on an hilarious journey through the wide world of sewing. See the woman E! described as “a real knit-wit; like Ruby Wax with needles!”. Sew darn funny you might just put an eye out!
8:30 pm I Squad Squad
They do anything, anytime! (Like the Goodies, but serious.)
10:00 pm I Food for Thought
Celebrity psychologist and bon vivant Dr Patricia Foie Gras continues her fascinating series on the celebrity chef phenomenon. This week she looks at the growing number of stalkers fixated on these “gastro-porn stars”. She posits that this alarming social trend is caused by an exploitative media totally fixated on food … Then Gordon Casein pops in and whips up a scrumptious cheese and truffle soufflé!
As disturbing as it is appetising.
11:00 pm I I am Spam Uncut
Celebrity net geek Horatio L Parthenogenesis reads out 300 of the week’s most amusing “enlarge your penis” ads from his email inbox.